


Virtual Insanity

by astrangerenters



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Gen, Role-Playing Game, Virtual Reality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-29
Updated: 2011-07-29
Packaged: 2017-10-21 22:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/pseuds/astrangerenters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shokotan, the otaku girl you may have seen on Himitsu no Arashi-chan, Cartoon KAT-TUN, and various other JE programs lures Nino into a virtual reality game. What virtual worlds will he visit? What boss fights will he endure? And how will he try to weasel his way out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Virtual Insanity

His mustache itched.

It tickled, probably because of all the flames and smoke coming up from the pool of lava just below him and his lamebrain companion. King Koopa laughed uproariously on the other side of the lava pool, tossing the dummy princess in giddily. It landed with a pop and a sizzle, and Nino wished Yoshi would just bound in to get him out of here. But no.

Koopa slithered off, his laughter echoing in Nino's ears. He turned around angrily, brow furrowed.

"Wait, come back!"

He knew what Toad was going to say anyhow. What was the point in staying behind? He'd dodged fireballs and plants trying to eat him, and he'd even sprouted a raccoon tail at one point.

"Mario!"

Nino paused, not turning around.

"Thank you, Mario!" Toad shouted. "But our princess..."

"...is in another castle. Yeah," Nino grumbled. "I got it, like, fifteen years ago, thanks."

"Mario?" Luigi called. "Mario, where are you going?"

Nino wished he knew. How the hell had he gotten himself in this mess?

\--

NINE HOURS EARLIER

It was an unusual morning. For one, Nino wasn't going to be interviewed about Gantz, and since that had been his life for the past several weeks (Arashi promotions aside), it was definitely a change. He'd been half asleep when his manager had called the night before. He was needed for a variety show obligation, but not in the studio. Well, that was fine. He'd been here, there, and everywhere since Gantz promotions had started, so he was used to spending time in the company car.

He hadn't expected to end up in Akihabara. His manager wasn't spilling any details, very unlike him. Why keep it in suspense? Was he meeting a celebrity? Was he doing something potentially embarrassing? The car pulled behind a non-descript office building, letting him and his manager out in the alley.

All he could see on the doorway before a security guard ushered him in was "REAL GAMES" written out in English. The hallways were fairly sterile, and the smell of fresh paint let Nino know that whatever REAL GAMES was, it hadn't been in this location for very long. But if it was gaming, he supposed nobody else in Arashi was as qualified to be there as he was. He was led to a room at the end of the hall, preparing to see a camera crew, producers, staff...

The room itself consisted of two hospital beds, tons of wires, a computer with half a dozen monitors, and Nakagawa Shoko.

Nino blinked. "Shokotan?"

She was sitting on one of the hospital beds, waving eagerly. Nino hadn't seen her since she'd visited for Himitsu no Arashi-chan, and he resisted the urge to turn tail and flee. If he had to voice an opinion on her, he'd describe her as sadistic toward Johnny's. Sure, he didn't know her well, but he'd heard about her torturing KAT-TUN back in the day. She'd forced Akanishi into a Final Fantasy costume - Nino wondered if that was the real reason he'd gone solo. Not everyone was tolerant of cosplay.

But a quick glance around the room gave Nino the impression that today's schedule didn't involve cosplay. It was something far more sinister.

"Ninomiya-san!" Shokotan squealed. She pointed to one of the wires that had been attached to some sort of electrode at her temple. "You made it!"

"I made it," he repeated, turning to glare at his manager. No wonder the man hadn't said anything. "What exactly did I sign on for?" He'd signed insurance forms in the car, but they did that a lot when they shot on location.

His manager remained silent, but a staff member in blue doctor scrubs came in, bowing to him. "Ninomiya-san, thank you for coming today. I understand you have some questions..."

He could already see staff attaching more wires to Shokotan, who was giggling and claiming it tickled. "Are you...are you cloning us or...?"

The staff member gasped. "Oh, goodness no..."

He crossed his arms. "So the wires and the...wires?"

Shokotan clapped her hands. "I couldn't think of anyone else in Johnny's I wanted to try this with me!"

"Try what?!" Nino shouted in exasperation.

"It's a virtual reality game," she said, as though that wasn't completely strange. "I helped design it! I know you like games, Ninomiya-san, so you get to come in with me! But this is just the test run. If we're successful, you can come back and we can shoot a special for TV. Wouldn't that be great?"

Nino far preferred games where he gripped his controller or the handheld system, controlling the hero himself. He didn't particularly want to go INTO a game. "I...I think you may have me wrong, Nakagawa-san..."

"You already signed off on this, so..." his manager hinted, and Nino stared him down.

"I thought I was being interviewed or playing with cute animals," he pointed out.

Shokotan rolled her eyes, pointing her thumbs and forefingers at him like little guns. "Bang! You're stuck now, aren't you? Come on, it'll be fun. And you'll get to save me!"

If Shokotan thought that was an incentive, she didn't know Nino very well. But the staff assured him that the virtual reality game was safe, and the medical equipment would monitor his brain activity and heart rate. He was in no real danger, even though the game's levels would be challenging. Nino was a bit confused as to why a member of Johnny's had to participate in this. Surely Shokotan herself was enough of a ratings draw with the Akihabara nerds who would watch the program in droves.

He took off his coat, shoving it grumpily into his manager's arms as he slipped out of his shoes. He sat on the bed next to Shokotan, frowning as the staff repeatedly apologized and stuck electrodes and wires all over him. For her part, Shokotan was apparently live blogging the whole event, typing eagerly on her phone. She held it out to him.

"What?"

She smiled, a rather evil smile if Nino had to be honest. She was enjoying his torture a little too much. But it didn't surprise him - she'd made Arashi pretend to get shot repeatedly on television, so this sadistic side wasn't unheard of. "Here," she said, waiting for him to take the handset. "Take a picture of me."

He sighed and took the phone, angling it to try and snap a good photo of her. He wasn't sure why she wanted a photo of herself with a bunch of wires sticking out of her posted on her blog, but then he thought of her target audience. Otaku types who watched creepy animated robot girl porn. Otaku types who had body pillows shaped like Ayanami Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion. People Nino didn't normally feel so ashamed about being associated with until that very moment.

Shokotan flashed some peace signs. Nino snapped the picture and closed the phone. "Cute," he said, knowing it was what she wanted to hear.

"Waaaaaaaaaah!" she squealed when she opened the phone, making Nino jump. "I look so cool!"

Nino didn't think so, but the sooner they played this virtual game demo, the sooner he could yank all the wires off and go back home to the type of video games he preferred. He laid down, and the staff put a strange helmet on him. At that point, it might have been more fun to get shot into outer space than go into a virtual reality game with Shokotan of all people. He could only imagine what kind of obnoxious games she'd pick - obscure things based on manga or anime series for girls Nino had only heard of in passing.

He was just about to tell his manager the many ways he planned to cause a scandal and make him work overtime to cover them up, but he felt a jolt like lightning racing through his body, heard Shokotan laugh, and he was out cold.

\--

LEVEL ONE - START

"Ohhhh," Nino groaned, spitting dirt out of his mouth. This wasn't just a virtual reality simulation - it was far more than a simulation. The dirt tasted real, and his joints ached as he sat up. It was as though he'd fallen from the sky in heavy armor. He squinted in the sunlight, and he couldn't even see any tell-tale signs that he was in a fake world. Just who the hell had Shokotan been working with on this game?

His armor was dark, and the light was glaring off of it, burning his eyes. If he had to guess, he'd been dropped into a Final Fantasy world. Since he wasn't dressed in a black cloak and the sword at his side didn't have a six foot long blade, he had thankfully not arrived as Sephiroth. If Shokotan really knew him, she could have dropped him into a Dragon Quest game, but he was not so very lucky.

There was a flash of green at the corner of his eye, and he was nearly knocked over by a child. "I hate you!" she screamed.

Well, it wasn't Shokotan. But the little green-haired girl definitely set the scene. The fourth Final Fantasy game. He hadn't played in ages, but at least he had an idea where he had to go.

"Ah," he said, hefting his Dark Shield. "I just killed your mom."

The girl sputtered, holding out her staff. "How can you be so cruel!?"

He shrugged. This was just a test run. He could do whatever the hell he wanted. "I have to go to Kaipo, right?"

"What?"

His armor was damn heavy, and he shuffled along through the open field, looking for a cave entrance. He was pretty sure he needed to go through a cave at some point. Final Fantasy games were nothing but cave after cave after cave anyhow.

"Where are you going? Hey!"

Normally, Nino wasn't averse to children. He was used to them being in the battle party in games, and he could just keep mashing buttons to skip their precocious dialogue. But in this world, he didn't have a controller. Instead he slogged through the cave, and the girl yammered on. "You killed my mom!" "You destroyed my town!" "Don't walk so fast, I'm only five years old." Whatever.

He probably just had to find Shokotan. Maybe she was the monster at the end of the level. Maybe she'd have lots of tentacles to really give her fanboys a thrill. Either way, he could level up and go home, he hoped.

He nearly got to the end of the cave when he stopped suddenly, feeling the little mage girl slam into his back. "Hey! What is wrong with you?"

Jackpot, he thought, turning and heading off to the right quickly.

"Where are you going?" she squealed at him. "Hey! I'm under attack!"

He hadn't played the game in a while, but his memory wasn't so bad. The treasure chest awaited. He knelt down and popped it open. He waved his hand dismissively at the girl behind him. "Just...use a fire spell or something. He's weak against it. Maybe."

"Hey!!! Hey, don't leave me!!"

New armor, Nino thought gleefully. He could sell it when he got into town. Maybe he'd get a bonus. This was far more fun than fighting cave monsters. By the time he got back, the monsters were dead, but the little girl had passed out. He rolled his eyes. "You have what, 70 HP? You should have stayed home." He paused. "Oh. Right. Destroyed."

If they could see his amoral behavior on the monitors, maybe they wouldn't invite him back for the television taping. It would probably piss too many viewers off. Well, Nino decided. That was going to be his strategy. He changed to the new, lighter armor and put the old one in his rucksack. Was it cruel to leave the little girl in the cave and unconscious? Yeah, sure it was. But it was just a game, and he was getting out of it.

"Shokotan!" he screamed, wondering if anyone could actually hear him as he headed out of the cave. "Your game is nice, but I'd like to go now!"

Instead of arriving back in the real world, the game world continued. To his annoyance, time passed achingly slowly when he was on foot rather than moving the character around the screen like usual. For one, the monsters were gross and splattered guts all over him rather than simply disappearing. And for another thing, armor was heavy.

He was filthy and tired when he arrived at the town, nearly collapsing as he dragged his rucksack into the armor shop. He dumped his things out onto the floor. "I'm selling this."

"There's a girl in town. The poor thing," the armor seller said. "I hear she has the desert fever."

Nino nudged the pile of armor with the tip of his metal boot. "That's nice. Still selling this."

"I hear you can cure the desert fever with a sand ruby."

Nino scowled. Programmed non-playable character dialogue. He hoisted the armor onto the countertop. "I. want. to. sell. this. armor." The armor seller stared at him. "Please?"

"There's a girl in town. The poor thing. I hear she has the desert fever."

"SHOKOTAN!" Nino screeched, turning around and heading straight out the door, not even caring about the armor. "I KNOW YOU'RE HERE!"

He stalked through the streets, wanting to kill, in no particular order, Shokotan, the staff, and of course, his manager for tricking him into this stupid virtual reality world. He found Shokotan at the town's inn, laying in bed under a plush blanket. He stood over her, arms crossed.

"You're the girl with the desert fever?"

"Ohhh...I'm so ill!" she moaned theatrically, lifting a hand to her brow. "Oh, if only the hero would cure my desert fever!"

He kicked the bed. "I'm not going."

She cracked open one eye, scowling. "Play along!"

"I am not finding a sand ruby. I am not curing your desert fever. And I am not saving the world. You could have picked Chrono Trigger!"

She turned over in the bed, putting her back to him. "Ninomiya-san, you're being very uncooperative. You're usually so pleasant on TV!"

She must not have seen him on TV that often. "Can I go home now? Your game is very nice, and I'm sure your legions of loyal fans will fall over themselves to try it out," he said, grabbing the end of her blanket and wiping monster guts off of his face. "But you said this is a test run, and to me, that means game demo. And game demo means one level, and you move on."

She pulled the blanket around her. "I knew I should have asked Akanishi-kun to come. My mom loves him."

"That's nice for her."

"You really won't cure my desert fever?"

He kicked the bed again. "You're not even sick! You're acting!"

She threw the covers off, and Nino was horrified to see her costume. She was already set for the next level - it wasn't over. It was far from over. "You'll play along until you like it!" she shouted. "LEVEL UP!"

\--

LEVEL TWO - START

When Nino came to this time, there was no dirt in his mouth. But there was a cat on his face. "Get off get off get off get off get oooooofffff!" Nino cried, rolling around on the ground to get the cat away from him. He got to his feet once more, brushing grass off of his tuxedo pants.

"Hurry, Mamoru-san! Usagi-chan is in danger!" the cat said.

The cat said. THE CAT SAID.

He jumped back, top hat flying off his head. "You...you can...talk! You...talking...cat thing!"

The cat hissed. "You must save Usagi-chan and the other Sailor Scouts!"

Nino retrieved the top hat. That's right. Sailor Moon had a cat that could talk. His sister hadn't really spent a lot of time reading the manga or watching the anime or anything, so his knowledge was more limited in this universe. He set the hat back on his head and walked in the opposite direction the cat was indicating.

"Mamoru-san! The Sailor Scouts are in trouble!"

He adjusted the white mask on his face. "Yep. Don't care. They can save themselves."

"Mamoru-san!" The cat, Luna, jumped onto his cape, claws digging in and dragging him with inhuman (in-kitty?) strength.

"Okay!" Nino complained. "Okay, okay. I'll save them. I guess." He fumbled around in the tuxedo jacket pocket. Maybe Tuxedo Mask had a badass knife or some throwing stars. Instead he found a rose. "Wow, how helpful."

The cat toddled after him as he walked as slowly as humanly possible around the corner and down to a meadow where he could see a bunch of girls in sailor uniforms battling some scary red-headed woman in a purple dress. He could already see Shokotan in her element. She was in some form of virtual reality blonde wig and the same skin-hugging sailor costume she'd had on in the Final Fantasy world.

"In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!" she shouted before running into battle with the other girls. Nino supposed that if there was any place Shokotan would never want to leave, it was probably this world.

"Well, go on!" Luna the cat said. "Go assist them!"

It seemed like Shokotan and the Sailor Scouts were doing a pretty good job fighting the woman in purple and her monster helpers. "Mmm, not sure it would do much good," Nino said. "Looks like I'd just get in the way."

He felt the cat's claws dig into his leg.

"OW! FINE!" He held the stupid rose like a dart, seeing Shokotan finally notice him. She smiled and nodded, and Nino wanted to wring her neck for getting him involved in this. "Do I have a line here?" he asked the cat.

The cat looked ready to pounce.

"Okay, okay. Uh...it's me, Tuxedo Mask. Yo!" He threw the rose and instead of going the two or so meters he'd predicted, it flew all the way to the battlefield, immediately drawing the attention of the woman in the purple dress. "Oh crap!"

The cat nudged his foot, and he found a walking stick that was probably the only weapon he was going to get. Unless he draped the obnoxious cape over one of the slower-witted creatures. He held the stick up defensively, wishing he'd gotten to keep his Final Fantasy armor and sword. Now he was just a jackass in a tuxedo.

"Join the fight!" the cat urged him.

"Go poop in a sandbox!"

He was rewarded with another hiss, and he jumped, keeping the stick in front of him as he whimpered his way forward. Why didn't Tuxedo Mask have a gun or something useful? Luckily, the Sailor Scouts appreciated the distraction and started taking out the other monsters. Nino might have seen one of the more butch Sailor Scouts break one's neck, but he might have been seeing things.

He was just about to try smacking the purple dress villainess in the ass with the stick when she shot some kind of energy beam at him, and he went flying. And virtual reality once again hit a little too close to him, and he ached all over as he slammed into the ground.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!" he groaned, having landed with the top hat under his back. The villain appeared over him, smiling down in an expectedly wicked manner. She raised her hands, presumably to send another jolt straight through him. He couldn't die in this stupid game, could he? He was not going down in a tuxedo. "SHOKOTAN!"

Just as Nino started wondering what the other Arashi members would say at his funeral, a magical sparkly tiara came flying through the air and knocked the purple dress woman aside with violent force.

And then Shokotan was on top of him, crushing his chest and squeezing his cheeks between her hands.

"Can't...breathe...Shoko...taaaaan..."

"Oh, Tuxedo Mask! You've come to rescue me!"

He was pretty sure she'd rescued him, and quite handily at that. "Shoko...Shoko...tan..."

She leaned down until she was face to mask with him. "I need to know your secret identity! Please, I must know!"

"You...know...who..." He wriggled around, trying to dislodge her from sitting atop his spleen. "...I am, damn it..."

"I just know, Tuxedo Mask, that we have been destined for one another throughout time. It is our fate to be together," she said, one of her long blonde pigtails tickling his neck. "Just tell me your true identity, and we can save the galaxy!"

"...crushing...me...where is...cat...help..."

"What's that? What's your name, Tuxedo Mask?" she whispered in what she probably thought was a seductive manner. "All you need do is tell me."

Nino pursed his lips in as thin a line as possible, seeing her ruby red Sailor Moon mouth preparing to descend and suck what remaining air was left in him away. And much as he understood Shokotan's appeal to the otaku crowd, she simply was not someone he intended to kiss. And with the crazed look in her eyes, it would be a kiss with lots and lots of tongue.

"What's going on, Sailor Moon? Did Tuxedo Mask come to your rescue?" came the voice of another one of the girls. It looked like the Sailor Scouts were all gathering around to watch Sailor Moon sexually assault him. Nino really hoped the cameras were not capturing this moment.

He turned his head slightly, seeing the polished white boot of one of the assembled scouts. If he didn't admit his love to Sailor Moon, would her cronies kick him in the face? He really needed his face to stay in Johnny's, after all. Not too many girls would buy his uchiwa if he had a permanent 25.5 cm boot print on his forehead.

"My name is..."

She ground her hips against him, and god, any other woman and this wouldn't be the worst situation in the world. Instead, Nino sighed. "...is...Ninomiya."

"Play along!" Shokotan insisted.

He stared her down. He didn't even know Tuxedo Mask's real name. The joke was on her. "Ninomiya Kazunari."

She managed to knee him in the side, knocking his ribs as she got up and took the sparkly tiara one of the other Sailor Scouts was holding out to her. He closed his eyes and waited for her to annihilate him in a shower of glitter or something strange and Sailor Moon-like.

Instead her voice nearly shattered his eardrums. "LEVEL UP!"

\--

LEVEL THREE - START

She was standing over him dressed as Monkey D. Luffy.

He could feel the pirate ship rolling over the waves and was about to lose his lunch. Not that he'd even eaten breakfast that day. "I'm not really that into One Piece, Shokotan..."

She thrust out her hand. "I have a paper cut! Won't you heal me? You're a doctor!"

Nino looked down, seeing that he had been cast as Chopper and had animal hooves. Well, not just animal hooves. He WAS an animal. "Oh Shokotan, I hate you..."

\--

LEVEL SIXTEEN - START

Nino was exhausted. And somehow he'd really managed to piss Shokotan off. That could be the only explanation for why he was still being tortured by her.

She'd thrown basketballs at his face in the Slam Dunk level. He'd gotten motion sickness while riding the Catbus on the Totoro level. He'd been Kamehameha'd at least 20 times by a crazy Goku in the Dragon Ball level. And those were just the ones that would be giving him nightmares for weeks to come.

Now he was in a non-descript subway station. What anime or manga or game could this be? Well, it could be any number of things. Hell, with her cruelty, maybe Godzilla was attacking Tokyo just above him, and they were supposed to admit their love before the roof caved in or Godzilla stepped on him. After this many levels in the game, Nino was pretty sure that the entire point of it all was to save Shokotan. It wasn't about defeating a villain or winning points or becoming a Super Saiyan. It really was just all about her in the end. Was Nino willing to sacrifice his own sense of pride to cater to her whims?

If it meant going home, yes, maybe he would give in this time. But first he had to figure out where the hell he was.

The platform intercom went off. "The local will be arriving on track 2 shortly. For your safety, please stay back behind the line as the train approaches."

He felt the strangest sense of deja vu as a man hopped down from the platform and onto the train tracks. The other passengers around him started whispering and murmuring.

"Hey, what's he doing?"

"Is he crazy? Is he trying to kill himself?"

"Someone should get the station attendant!"

Nino gritted his teeth. "Oh, no way. No, I am not going to do it!" He looked around, seeing some of the other people starting to stare. Well, he didn't really care what they thought. They weren't real anyhow. "DO YOU HEAR ME, SHOKOTAN? I AM NOT GETTING ON THOSE TRACKS!"

No response. He could already see the lights from the train as it approached. People started calling out to the man on the train tracks. Nino kept his feet firmly planted, crossing his arms. Nope. He wasn't playing along with this one. He was so busy not getting on the train tracks that he didn't notice Shokotan approach him and stab him in the back until it was too late.

And before he could cry out in pain, he was materializing in the all-too-familiar room. The huge black Gantz ball was there, and the music was already ending as his body fully appeared. There were a few people already in the room, but he didn't recognize them. Maybe they were from a chapter in the manga he hadn't perused in a while. He smirked, hoping that Shokotan would be the alien target from Gantz.

Sadly, she wasn't. "Hey losers," the Gantz ball typed at them. "Your target is the Cabbage Alien. He smells like cabbage. Blow his head off and have some salad for maximum points."

He rolled his eyes as the message disappeared, already tapping his foot impatiently so the ball would open and issue the guns and Gantz suits. Shokotan was sadistic enough that not putting on the suit would just be suicidal. While the others in the room cowered in fear and shock, Nino moved around to the rear of the Gantz ball, crouching down to retrieve his own suit. He was just wrapping his fingers around the 'Kurono' case when someone cleared their throat behind him.

"Uh, I'm sorry. Is your name Kurono too?"

Nino froze. Because the voice from behind him sounded awfully familiar. Too familiar.

He turned around to come face to face with himself. They were dressed differently, and the other himself had the haircut Nino had had when filming last year. But from the mole on the chin to the hunched shoulders, it was a mirror image. "I'm...Kurono Kei," Nino told the other Nino. He got to his feet slowly, clutching the case.

Other Nino scowled at him. So that's what it looked like on the receiving end. "You're wrong. I'm Kurono Kei."

He sighed. "I think I know my own character's name."

Other Nino crossed his arms. "Character? This isn't a game. Gantz is real, and the aliens are real. And you better hand over that suit. I've got 78 points, and I'm not dying tonight!"

Seeing himself get all worked up, really believing he was Kurono was all kinds of creepy. Nino held out the case to Other Nino. "Whatever. Take the damn suit. By the way, hope you get a wedgie."

Other Nino...well, Kurono Kei if he wanted to play along, took the case and a gun and hurried off. Nino turned back to the cases. Nobody else was grabbing them, so maybe he'd find one that would fit. He frowned when he turned and saw the 'Ninomiya' case staring him in the face.

"Better steer clear of Kurono-kun," Shokotan said with a twinkle in her eye as she shoved the 'Ninomiya' case into his arms. "He's my boyfriend, you know."

"I'm not your boyfriend," Nino protested.

"Of course not," Shokotan replied sweetly, grabbing a gun half the size of her body and the 'Nakagawa' case before walking over to Kurono-Nino and linking their arms. "He is."

"Hey!" Nino shouted. He felt violated as Shokotan started ruffling Kurono's hair. "Get your hands off me!"

The other people in the room were watching them with some measure of interest. Shokotan dragged Kurono off into the hallway, and oh god, Nino was suddenly remembering that hallway sex scene from the manga with Kurono and that one woman and...

...before he could vomit at the thought of his doppelganger with his Gantz suit around his ankles plowing Shokotan against a wall, he felt himself start to disappear. "Damn it, Gantz!" he cried, clutching his suit and grabbing the closest gun he could before his fingers vanished.

He rematerialized in a residential neighborhood and hurried off into an alley. Checking to make sure Shokotan wasn't there making out with Kurono first, he stripped down faster than any costume change at a concert would require, tugging the Gantz suit back on. Sure, it had said 'Ninomiya' on the case, but his belly had gotten a little larger lately. All the food they'd been feeding him on his many promotional activities had given him a little pudge here and there. He had tears in his eyes as he pulled the suit on all the way, feeling far tighter than it ever had on the movie set. Of course, those had just been costumes. These were "real" Gantz suits.

He hadn't seen Matsuyama...well, 'Kato' anywhere, so it seemed that Shokotan wasn't really interested in incorporating any other Gantz main characters for the level. He headed off down the street, gun at the ready. He was going to pull the trigger as soon as he saw anything remotely cabbage-shaped and get the points from Gantz. He'd failed spectacularly at the other levels whether he was just annoyed or Shokotan screwed him over. This time Nino was playing to win.

He turned the corner, seeing Shokotan locked in a rather romantic embrace with Kurono. She was grabbing his butt, making those squeaky hand on tight leathery-latex sounds. Kurono was in top pervert form, fingers inching closer to Shokotan's chest. Nino's own finger itched on the trigger of his gun. If he murdered himself in a virtual reality game, was that homicide or suicide?

Shokotan caught Nino's eye, winking at him as she continued to squeeze Kurono's behind. Kurono hadn't noticed Nino approach, focusing intently on feeling up his love interest. "Oh Kurono-kun, you're so romantic!"

How the hell was grabbing ass in public romantic or appealing? Nino paused. Well, how the hell was grabbing ass in public romantic or appealing to a woman?

"I'm going to kill the Cabbage Alien," Nino announced, and Kurono jumped. "So if you two are having fun, don't let me interrupt."

He cocked his rifle and gave his doppleganger a death glare before stalking off down the street. He didn't hear them follow him, but thankfully, he didn't hear them making any creepy kissy noises either. He didn't need to know what he sounded like in the heat of the moment with someone like Shokotan. Not that it was really him. But if Kurono looked like him and sounded like him and most likely had the same Nino...equipment under the Gantz suit...

Nino shuddered, trying to think of happy things like being voted for on Mannequin Five or cheering fans shouting his name or the satisfying plink of one more 500 yen coin entering his piggy bank. But he didn't have to distract himself for long when he caught the distinct smell of cabbage wafting through the night air. He held his rifle at the ready, eyes darting around to see where the alien was hiding.

He heard footsteps and a soft voice. "I love cabbage. Cabbage is great. Nutritious and delicious. I love cabbage."

Target acquired.

Nino let out a battle cry, his mightiest thus far since entering the stupid virtual reality world. He charged around the brick alley wall, spotting a seven foot tall man in a green suit and green tie. And where the man's head should have been was a leafy, rotting head of cabbage with two big eyes and a small mouth. Okay, it was really scary, if he had to offer an opinion, but there was no time to be frightened.

Without hesitating, he aimed straight for its head and pulled the trigger. True to the Gantz universe, there was a slight delay. It gave Nino a moment to cover his face with his free hand as the explosion occurred, and he felt green cabbage and green cabbage alien innards splatter him from head to toe. "Okay. That has to be a whole bunch of points," he murmured, wiping gooey green gunk from his hair.

Of course, he wasn't dematerializing yet because Gantz never gave as much information as it could. He still had to save Shokotan to win, so there had to be another cabbage alien wandering around the neighborhood. He'd gotten one on his own, so maybe he and Shokotan had to claim victory at the same time or he had to rescue her from becoming a cabbage herself, who knew? He hurried back, hoping he wouldn't actually catch himself, er, Kurono in the act with Shokotan.

But where he expected to still find them making out, he came to a sudden stop, nearly dropping his gun in surprise. Where Shokotan and Kurono had been were two splattered, bloody outlines against the alley wall and two nearly unidentifiable corpses on the ground. Thankfully, they both still had their Gantz suits on. But they were dead, just as dead as the cabbage alien he'd left behind.

"What?" Nino shouted. "How...but...I was just...they were just..." He approached slowly, kicking Kurono's boot to see if he was still in there somewhere. And there was nothing creepier than poking at the corpse of someone who looked exactly like you. "How can you be dead? We didn't...we have to..."

He suddenly felt really bad for Shokotan. A quick poke to her foot revealed that she wasn't asleep or faking it. Had she been so caught up in trying to one-up him in the game world, claiming Kurono as her boyfriend, that she'd gotten herself hurt? Had it sent all the medical machines in the real world all haywire? Why weren't they pulling him out of this world yet? Or did they have no idea that Shokotan had gotten killed off?

Nino turned at the sound of footsteps. Well, not really footsteps in the normal sense, since these footsteps belonged to someone who was probably as tall as a multi-story apartment building.

"I LOVE CABBAGE. CABBAGE IS GREAT. NUTRITIOUS AND DELICIOUS. I LOVE CABBAGE."

He looked up to see another cabbage alien, ten times the size of the other one, peering down at him from behind the building next door. "Oh...crap," Nino muttered, knowing his puny gun wasn't going to be enough to take it down. "Shokotan, I'm sorry," he said quickly, pulling the gun she'd brought from the room with the Gantz ball. It dragged along the ground, and it took Nino every bit of strength he had to hold onto it. It was more bazooka than gun, and he wondered how the hell Shokotan had managed to carry it this far.

He crouched down, arms shaking as he pointed the cannon-like gun at the jumbo-sized cabbage head. The monster was just about to step on him when he fired. The kickback from the weapon sent him flying back a few feet, but thankfully, the Gantz suit cushioned his fall. The only real advantage.

"Come on, come on, come on!" he shouted. The alien's boot was about the size of a car and ready to smash him. He dropped the gun and covered his head, waiting to be crushed, but the shoe and the rest of the alien turned to cabbage mush, showering him with even more nasty alien guts. Nino vowed there and then that he wouldn't eat anything with cabbage for another year.

As soon as he spat out every bit of alien that had somehow found its way into his mouth, his body started to dematerialize. Victory was his! But as his own body disappeared, set to reenter the Gantz room fully healed and clean again, he noticed that Kurono and Shokotan weren't coming along. "Wait!" he cried, but it was too late, and Gantz had already pulled him back.

He stared at the dark black orb, waiting for his points to show up since he was the only one to return. He didn't much care about what happened to the others, but he'd seen himself lying there dead. Even if it was "Kurono Kei," and this was all just a virtual world, it was still damn unsettling. And then Shokotan...if she hadn't returned to the Gantz room, where was she?

The ball lit up, showing the faces of all those who had been killed on the mission. He saw Shokotan's face among them, inhaling sharply as she joined the list of the dead. Gantz decided to award the scores.

"Ninomiya. Astonishing victory despite your jealousy," the ball typed at him.

"Jealous?" he sputtered. "Jealous of what?"

The ball continued. "Quick reflexes, and you didn't wet yourself. You have now earned 100 points. How would you like to use them?"

"Use them?" he asked.

The ball flashed two choices at him.

1 - Leave the game

2 - Save Nakagawa Shoko

His eyes narrowed. And to think, he'd even felt horrible about her getting killed off by the cabbage alien. It had been a trick all along! "Shokotan!" he screamed. "Shokotan, I know you're here!"

He got up, looking through the entire empty apartment where Gantz had set up shop, but she wasn't around. He wanted to leave the game. Gantz was giving him the opportunity, but Nino wasn't an idiot. He knew what Shokotan was doing. He had to suck it up and choose option 2, or he'd never actually leave the virtual world, would he? Ugh, he thought, feeling dirty. Shokotan was going to be so thrilled with his choice.

Nino crossed his arms and pouted. "Save Nakagawa Shoko," he told the ball. Where he expected her to drop down from the ceiling Mission Impossible style or for cannons to go off and shower him with streamers and glitter and tiny little hearts for being so romantic, instead he woke up.

\--

The doctors in the blue scrubs were already pulling the electrodes and wires away, and his manager was applauding. "Very good job," the man said proudly. "You saved the girl."

Nino frowned as they poked and prodded him and checked his vital signs. "I need a shower," he grumbled. "Maybe ten."

He groaned as Shokotan sat down on his bed at his side, taking his hand and squeezing it like a vise. "I knew in the end you would do the right thing, Ninomiya-san."

"Could you not touch me?" he asked rudely, trying to slip his hand away, but her grip was insane. Or maybe he was just weakened after hours inside a living video game.

She leaned forward, giving him the same moony eyes she'd saved for Kurono Kei. He desperately hoped she hadn't fallen in love with him. It had been a trying enough day, and he'd only made the choice to save her so that he could get back here and hopefully forget that the day had ever even happened. He didn't need her stalking him or showing up at Arashi concerts and screeching at him. Maybe he could push her off on Sho-chan if he was really desperate - he was pretty good about taking one for the team.

He tried to lean away from her, but her lips were at his ear. Nino shut his eyes, mentally begging her to just leave him alone already. But her words were unexpected.

"Nino, you're a terrible gamer."

He sat up quickly, nearly knocking her in the head with his own. "I beg your pardon?"

She was already typing something in her phone, maybe telling her wide blogosphere audience how awful he was. "I'm not sure you're the right person for my show. You're just terrible at games all around. It's a shame Nintendo pays you to sell their games. It's false advertising."

Nino could feel anger percolating and bubbling up within himself. Maybe he had misheard. "I'm sorry, what did you say? Because I thought the person who had just dragged me through more than a dozen levels of hell was trying to say I'm a bad gamer."

She hopped off of his hospital bed, shaking her head. "It was agonizing to be in there watching you. Really pathetic. No real sense of strategy or adaptability..."

"I HAVE A SENSE OF STRATEGY!" he protested noisily, making his manager back away slowly. No sense of strategy? He'd been playing games since he could crawl. Who was she to judge? He'd show her. He grabbed one of the doctors by the arm, digging his fingernails in. "Start it again!"

Shokotan gasped. "What?"

Nino narrowed his eyes. She hadn't fallen for him. She'd failed to be impressed by him. And that, in Nino's eyes, was all the more distressing. "I said start it again."

She backed up, getting onto the other hospital bed as the doctors started reattaching his electrodes. Yeah, Nino thought. She thought she was really funny, making fun of him and calling him a bad gamer. Yeah, Nino would definitely prove her wrong.

Some small part of him (the logical, not so easily scammed by girls judging his manhood via gaming prowess part) started to nag at him, but it was already too late.

\--

LEVEL ONE - START

When he woke up, an Italian guy in a green jumpsuit and cap was standing over him. "Mario! Hurry up, King Koopa's got the Princess in the castle there."

Super Mario! "Ha!" Nino said, letting Luigi help him to his feet. This would be child's play since he had in fact been a child when he started to play these games. He could already see the pipe he could sneak down to get more coins in the distance. He already knew where to dodge the little turtles with wings. This would be so easy, and Shokotan would never misjudge him again.

But that was when Nino felt the mustache start to itch.


End file.
